Why is acknowledging I need a financial coach so hard?
Change is hard
Changing human behavior is one of the most difficult things to do. Advertisers spend billions of dollars a year trying to change behaviors of consumers to try this or that product or service. Psychologists and therapists work long emotional and tireless hours trying to understand and change negative thought patterns in everyday human lives, or to deal with past traumas that prevent us from thriving and successfully moving forward in life.
We don’t talk about money and finances enough
When we were growing up and wanted to pursue a sport, or an instrument, or some other activity, it was usually our parents that helped us find a team and community and coaches to pursue them. As we grew older, our parents involvement may have subsided a bit and been replaced by teachers and friends who could direct us to acquaintances and groups who had common interests and pursuits. As fully formed adults, we then might find the heaviest influences to be our spouses or significant others, lifelong friends, companies we work for, and professional associations.
We grow up understanding that we can discuss lots of things we might be interested in doing or experiencing, and that there will be people who can help us along the path. It seems rare that someone on their own accord will look inside themselves, choose their future destinations, and find a coach or trainer or motivator they will need, all on their own, without a community of support.
But when it comes to financial matters, and particularly financial problems, this doesn’t seem to be the case. Financial matters are still very private in our society. We do not grow up with robust education about money, finance, debt, investing, economics, inflation, taxes, or budgeting. It is almost laughably paradoxical and short sighted that we live in a capitalist society and grow up with so little meaningful education on what capitalism is or how we should think about the use of money in our society. Our social economic culture basically boils down into neanderthal like soundbites, “depression bad”, <grunt> “money good”, <bang fist to chest>.
The math isn’t hard. Addition. Subtraction. But still we find we can’t make the numbers add up. It’s frustrating. It’s infuriating. It can even challenge deeply embedded emotions about our own value and place in society.
So “of course”, few people struggling with their finances want to talk about their pains at dinner parties. It’s not fun. Of course people don’t want to admit when they are falling further and further into debt and don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. It’s embarrassing. But notice the problem this creates. This means that it is less likely that parents, friends, teachers, companies, professional associations, significant others, or sometimes even spouses, are aware of the trouble people are in. Our normal change support system simply can’t help solve problems they know nothing about.
These support systems don’t know if you’re in financial trouble because you aren’t telling them you need and want change. And even if they did know, they might be in the exact same situation and not really have any idea who to refer you to for help. Said another way, they may be lost too. The silence surrounding money is one of the hardest issues to overcome, because silence provides no pathways for getting the help you need.
A financial coach provides the opportunity for you to speak to someone knowledgeable and experienced about financial concerns, problems, hopes and dreams. Financial coaches specifically create conversational, non judgmental space that society tends to avoid and discourage.
That sounds amazing right? And it’s perfectly logical in a way. I see exactly what you’re saying, so why is it still hard for me to hire a coach? Why do most Americans struggle with money and debt, and yet remain stubbornly set in their behaviors.
We are terrible at taking our own advice
When reading a book, or watching a movie, or listening to our friends disasters and challenges in life; it seems much easier for us to evaluate a situation and provide useful responses “for them”. We might provide such sage advice as “Leave that person, they suck”, or “Run away from that situation, seriously!”, or perhaps even something positive like “It’s soooo obvious they like you, ask them out already!”.
But when it comes to our own problems and challenges, we often feel stuck, or worse, make terrible, self-defeating decisions. This difficulty in giving and accepting the very advice that we would give others is called King Solomon’s paradox, who was known for being particularly wise in decisions relating to ruling his kingdom, but not particularly wise when it came to making personal decisions. It’s a paradox we can all relate to.
As an example, assume someone asks us the following question… “What would a young tennis player need to do in order to get to a Grand Slam Championship?”. Assuming we know anything at all about tennis and the player, we’d probably be able to come up with some kind of basic suggestions or recommendations on how to improve. We might suggest more practice, how to understand the mental game better, enrolling in more competitions, etc etc.
But you know one thing you won’t suggest? You won’t suggest they do it on their own, without any help. You know with absolute certainty that no one gets to a competitive level of sport without a great coach. In fact, you might have already assumed they had a great coach when thinking about the example. Because having a coach is so obvious, it hardly even bares mentioning, right?. As we might say if we were yelling at a movie screen, “that’s so obvious!”
But that is when we are giving someone else advice. Why is it so difficult when we are struggling with financial problems, to see it from a distance, and accept our own advice? This is Solomon’s paradox. We don’t know why it is, it just is. But at least we have a term for it.
Now, a financial coach can’t help you see this particular problem. But a financial coach can help you see other areas in your life where you are acting and spending and behaving in a way that you yourself would not recommend. Having a coach in your corner gives you the ability to see beyond your own paradox, so that you can improve your financial life.
Oh wow, that all seems very logical
It is. So the question again becomes, with so much financial pain out there, why aren’t more people getting help. This isn’t going to be an easy answer to swallow. But one of the main reasons that more people don’t get help, even when it’s rational and logical to do so, is that your brain is actually actively working against you.
You want to change. You want to succeed. You see the logic. Now you just need to find help. But you know you’re still resisting it. Why is that? To find out how your brain is actively working against you, keep reading...
References
https://bigthink.com/smart-skills/solomons-paradox-psychology/
